The Countdown Begins

So, we are having our last few rehearsals and i'm freaking out. I think it is coming together but there are still parts I would love to change. Katie came in and took photos tonight. Ahmad is coming in to help with our speaking parts on Wed. Karen is coming in on Sunday then we have our dress/tech and then it's show day. Not only am I worried about the piece, mother nature decided to bring snow this year. Not the little "delay" snow. The snow that shut down the city and we couldn't leave the house. We have another storm coming this week and I heard there is one next week. As long as it isn't on Saturday i'll be happy. It's going to be great! I'm excited.

Final Stretch

Time is ticking away. We are in the final stages of putting my project together. I am feeling completely overwhelmed and I hate everything right now. We have gone through a period of "life" where things have come up like family gatherings, surgeries, a wedding, college auditions, car accidents to name a few. We are coming to the end and I just want a rehearsal with everyone there. I am doing some alignment work and tracking their progress is very important. I am coming to a period where members of my thesis committee are coming into rehearsals whether it be for strength testing or simply to support me. I want something good to show them. My dancers are doing great and I hope they bear with me as I start making changes in the last month and a half! It WILL BE GREAT! I will accept nothing less.

Frustration

We have been rehearsing and I feel like we are moving forward in some aspects and at a standstill in others. The choreography at the end is coming along nicely and the dancers are getting it. That is where they are comfortable. However, the first few sections are giving me a headache. We are working with improvisation and it is difficult. I am trying to get the dancers to move out of their comfort zones and push themselves and it is proving to be a challenge. I am trying to get them to understand that it is ok to be still. You don't always have to look like a dancer. Be pedestrian. I never thought it would be hard to get a person to act like a person. Guess what it is! I am a perfectionist so I am sure I am being hard on myself. I am waiting to get goosebumps and when I do...SUCCESS!

Duet

We have been rehearsing Tre and Nikki's duet. It is slowly but surely coming together. I am excited to finish it and by the time we perform it'll be amazing. Nikki has taken on the role of "grief". At the end of Tre's story he just can't seem to move on and he gets entangled in his grief. I hope the story comes across the way it's meant to be.

Acting Lesson

My friend Ahmad Maaty came in yesterday and he was a breath of fresh air. He really connected with the dancers and taught them ways to get into their stories. He was giving them some "tips" when acting. He was encouraging them think more deeply about their situations. Everyone was connected and we were finding connections all evening. It was eye opening. I learned a lot from him yesterday. I am so lucky to have such talented people in my life.

The Process

Well we have started putting the pieces together. The process is much harder than my dancers thought. They are having a tough time with the improv to their stories.

We have completed the first recorded draft and it is good but we need work. I have an actor coming in to give the dancers some tips. I want them to go to the place they were at during the stories and re-live that emotion. Some of the stories are pretty deep and I want the audience to feel what they were feeling. I have complete faith in them.

It is interesting to watch them struggle with movement. They want so bad for me to step in and make up choreography but I will not do it. They will succeed and it's nice making them work for it!

why

Things happen, people get sick, people feel so bad they say they want to die. I deal with this a lot and what am I suppose to do about it? I am doing this study on grief and how it affects people and I have people in my life saying they want to die. Is it for attention? Why you would lay something so heavy on someone? A mother in the studio lost her battle with cancer on Friday. She has young kids who will now grow up without a mother and you are telling me you have nothing to live for? Look around. Open your eyes and realize you have everything to live for!

Dance is... (by Nikki Jenkins)

Dance is a way to express how you are feeling through movement. Three words come to mind when I think about dance: passion, joy and energy. I dance because I feel incomplete without it. A part of me feels lazy when I am not dancing. It's an artistic form that allows me to let my emotions run free.

I dance because I love to perform. Dancing on a stage gives me the biggest thrill. I know I am at home when I am on a stage.

Dancing has taught me many things throughout the years with the number one thing being discipline. I remember being 8 years old and wanting so badly to go to my friends birthday party. The party was at the same time as my Nutcracker rehearsal therefore I couldn't go. I learned at a very young age that if you want to be a serious dancer you have to make choices. I always chose to go to dance class instead of other things. The discipline I learned from dance class carried through to my college years and studying was that much easier for me because I knew how to manage and multi-task. My life would be 100% different if I wasn't a dancer but it's been a great experience to learn and grow and do so many fantastic things with dance.

let it out

I have met with the students only once since my last blog and I feel like we are slowly but surely making progress. I was happy to have my whole cast present for the lengthy rehearsal. We worked on alignment issues, strengthening and then did a few improvisational exercises. They really enjoyed the work and I feel like they are slowly but surely letting go. I have one student who is "stuck" and I am determined to break her and free her from herself. It is a challenge that I am up for!

While I was working today I started thinking about my project a little and I think I have come up with Section 2. I was trying with all my might to disconnect myself from this piece, however, I am this piece. Part 2 will be my story of grief. I need to face it and heal from it. I think it'll be deep and I want that. I hope my dancer can give me what I want. I need to start compiling my story. It is very scary to expose my feelings. I am not the superwoman I pretend to be.

Friday the 13th

We had a great rehearsal yesterday Friday the 13th!! I had the kids journal about a loss in their lives. I haven't read about them but I am guessing the majority is about death and one is about the loss of a friendship. Another thing we did was watch their alignment videos and see the little habits they haven created when dancing. It was eye opening for a few of them. Lastly we started exploring improvisation. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. In the beginning I just had them start moving. I noticed movement patterns so I directed them to move differently. After we sat down and I had them write down words that described how they felt about their journal entry when it was happening and how they felt about it now. Then we moved again. I saw a huge difference in they movement. I saw range and anger in a lot. The last entry was to write down some movement qualities. This gave them a little more direction and they started exploring a lot more. It was amazing just in 30 minutes the change I witnessed in their movement. I think they have gotten over the initial embarrassment and will hopefully be less inhibited next time.

Rehearsal

We had a great rehearsal yesterday Friday the 13th!! I had the kids journal about a loss in their lives. I haven't read about them but I am guessing the majority is about death and one is about the loss of a friendship. Another thing we did was watch their alignment videos and see the little habits they haven created when dancing. It was eye opening for a few of them. Lastly we started exploring improv. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. In the beginning I just had them start moving. I noticed movement patterns so I directed them to move differently. After we sat down and I had them write down words that described how they felt about their journal entry when it was happening and how they felt about it now. Then we moved again. I saw a huge difference in they movement. I saw range and anger in a lot. The last entry was to write down some movement qualities. This gave them a little more direction and they started exploring a lot more. It was amazing just in 30 minutes the change I witnessed in their movement. I think they have gotten over the initial embarrassment and will hopefully be less inhibited next time.

7 Stages of Grief... (recover-from-grief.com)

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 7 Stages of Grief...

5. THE UPWARD TURN-As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

From: recover-from-grief.com

In the Beginning

I am starting to work on my Thesis project and all my thoughts and reflections will be posted here. I will post videos and pictures of the students dancing and reflecting on their thoughts and experiences. We are going to explore the stages of grief and see how they have dealt with loss. It is not only about death but any kind of loss. Loss of a loved one, relationship, friendship, home, job, etc...
My students are in high school but have still dealt with many difficult things in their short lives. I think that is one reason I chose to look into this. I have experienced the loss of my father and to this day I still don't think I have grieved. I didn't even realize there were different stages of grief. Maybe I'm stuck in a stage and don't even know it. Hopefully my questions will be answered throughout this process.

Please take the journey with us.